1) Years ago, when I was working a crappy retail job, which wasn’t all that bad really… In fact, it was a pretty enjoyable job, except during the months of November and December when we’d get hit with stressed-out holiday shoppers who wanted to blame us (the workers) for the crowded stores, high prices, and shitty winter weather.
Anyway…
Had a guy from the corporate office filling in for a week while the store was training a new manager. I was working part time on weekends and doing the “stay-at-home dad” thing during the week. Corporate guy told me he “worked in finance” before taking a job in the current company. He asked me about myself, and was especially interested when he discovered I’m a writer and have authored several novels.
He told me, “You know, I’ve thought sometimes about writing a book.”
Folks, you wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard this. Unless you’re an author, in which case, I’m sure you’ve heard it as much as I have. People will say, “I’ve thought about writing a book,” like it’s as simple as that. Like it’s as simple as walking around the block, or running to the store to buy a loaf of bread. People who haven’t written a paper since high school or college (and even then, probably purchased term papers from others) will say, “I’ve thought about writing a book.”
And maybe they can. Maybe they have the drive to do it, and the love of language, and the love of reading. Because, and this might be something many of you will disagree with, but if you don’t love reading? You’re not going to be good at writing. It’s that simple.
But I digress.
Yes, people will say, “I’ve thought about writing a book,” and I’ll think to myself, Yeah, I’ve thought about climbing Mount Everest, but I don’t say that.
Instead, I’ll say, “Oh, really? What kind of book would you write?”
The answers usually vary. Sometimes it’s their life story because everyone seems to think their life is so interesting, and crazy, and funny, and inspiring, that everyone will want to read it. In some instances, they’re correct. But more often than not, most people’s lives are boring or depressing.
Sorry, but it’s true.
Sometimes, though, the wannabe writer will pitch the book idea to me like it’s the greatest story idea ever. I listen to the idea and in my head, I’m thinking, Okay, so it’s Die Hard at a ski resort.
On the outside, I say, “Hey, that sounds great. You should write that.”
Sometimes the wannabe writer, after pitching their idea, will say, “How about you write it and we’ll split the money?”
Yeah, no. That’s not going to happen. If I’m going to spend the next six months working on a book, it’s going to be one of my own ideas. Believe me, ideas are nothing. I’ve got enough story and character ideas to last me the rest of my life. I won’t live long enough to write every idea I have.
And split it?! Really?! Like a story idea is worth 50% of a book?
No. The idea is worth, maybe, .1%. That’s right. Point one percent (in case the decimal wasn’t visible enough). Because it’s 99.9% execution.
I’ve digressed again. The point of this was, the former finance guy told me he had the urge to write a book, and he had a story idea.
“What’s the idea?” I asked.
He said, “It’s about a guy that works in finance.”
That was it. That was the idea.
I waited for “who finds out the company he’s working for is supplying money to terrorist groups,” or “who finds out his wife faked her death,” or “who discovers an entrance to another universe.” Something. Anything resembling a plot or story.
But nope. Just “a guy that works in finance.”
I guess his book would have detailed the man putting on a suit in the morning, eating a light breakfast, then taking the train into the city, and doing finance stuff. Quite a page turner that would be.
2) One thing in movies that usually bothers me is, when a character brushes their teeth.
Most of the time, we see them putting toothpaste on a toothbrush, or pretending to, and then they begin brushing. But there’s no toothpaste on the brush, and no foaming action. It looks like they’re brushing with straight water. Even when they spit, it looks like just water.
I understand actors have to do multiple takes, but is using toothpaste in a scene too much for them? The lack of realism pulls me out of the scene because I’m always thinking, They’re brushing their teeth with plain water!
Okay, maybe that’s just me.
3) For those of you who like to hear me pontificate about things, here’s an interview I did last year, where I talked a lot about my book KILL YOUR HEROES. And a lot about comic books.
4) What I’m watching:
Saw CAPTAIN AMERICA: BRAVE NEW WORLD. Or as I like to call it, “Cap 4.”
It’s not a bad movie. Certainly better than the last Ant Man movie and last Thor movie. But not a really good movie, either. It has a feel of “We need to get from Point A to B to C…” about it, along with a disjointedness of trying to tie in too many subplots.
Like…
They took part of a Hulk movie script, part of a Captain America script, and part of an Eternals script, and said, “Let’s tie these all together.” And that’s fine, I suppose, but the danger with blending several different dishes together is, sometimes you end up with a big mess.
This movie wasn’t a mess, but there were times when I found myself thinking, “Are we almost there yet?” Meaning, the climax of the film where we’d finally get to see the Red Hulk going berserk.
Which, let’s face it, is the reason why we went to see the movie in the theater instead of waiting for it to hit streaming.
There are some problems with the movie, although maybe it’s just me being too picky. I hated that Cap’s wings and his dual flying robot pals (called “Redwing”) essentially are capable of doing anything, at any time, whenever the plot calls for it.
I hated, too, that Giancarlo Esposito as the secondary villain, Sidewinder, is essentially wasted in this movie. I was hoping for more of a “Winter Soldier” threat from him.
Also…
Was it just me or did anyone else find Anthony Mackie’s pencil thin goatee distracting? At some part during the movie, I started thinking about how long it would take Sam Wilson (Mackie’s character) every day to keep those lines that trim. I think there should have been a scene where Sam is coming out of a barbershop where he’s just had the lines of his hair and facial hair tightened up, and he’s like, “Okay. Now I’m ready to suit up.”
And one more complaint coming from a writer:
Could we do away with characters explaining what’s happening as they’re happening?
“Hey, they sent us a limo. Here we are, riding in a limo!”
“Hey, she’s a Widow from the Red Room. That’s why she can beat up those guys!”
All in all, it’s a fine entry in the long-running MCU. But I doubt I’d sit through it again.
5) What I’m reading:
I know last week I said I was going to start on a collection of Charles Bukowski essays, but somewhere along the way I got sidetracked. I started YELLOW MEDICINE by Anthony Neil Smith, a gritty crime novel with an extremely flawed protagonist.
For those of you who have read my work, you know “flawed protagonist” is kind of my thing.
Smith’s novel features Deputy Billy Lafitte, a dirty cop in rural Minnesota, who finds himself increasingly in over his head when he’s asked to help out a friend whose boyfriend has run afoul of drug dealers. And things get worse from there.
I chose the book because I love pulpy action and I love stories reminiscent of Jim Thompson novels, and this book seemed to incorporate all of those elements. Two of my favorites of Thompson novels are THE KILLER INSIDE ME and POP. 1280, and although Smith’s protagonist, Lafitte, is nowhere near as bad as Thompson’s protagonists in those two books, it’s refreshing to read about a character that you never know if they’re going to do the right thing, the wrong thing, or something in between.
One minor quibble:
The first chapter takes place after the events of the novel, and then flashes back to the beginning of the story starting with chapter two. I know this is a storytelling trick that’s used sometimes in books, more so in movies, as a way to pique the reader/viewer’s interest so they’re wondering, “How did the character get to this point?” Personally, I’d rather be surprised by what happens in the story, rather than already knowing what story beat we’re leading up to.
Just my opinion, of course. I don’t hold it against Smith’s novel.
That’s your Dispatch for the week.
Slade Grayson is a writer who relies on the kindness of strangers. And readers. And sometimes strange readers. You can buy his books here, or buy him a coffee here.