Tomorrow is April 1st, and if you’re expecting some cheesy April Fool’s bit, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
The current administration has decided the best way to handle a dumpster fire is to drag it out into a heavily wooded area, dump gasoline on it, then deny they did it. And claim anyone who saw them do it is a liar.
You want an April Fool’s joke? It’s on all of us.
1) Way back in 2014, shortly after my second novel (AUTUMN MOON) came out, I complained to the publisher that they were not marketing the book.
I mean…
Why pay an advance, spend money on an editor and cover art, and then release the book with little to no fanfare?
They told me they didn’t know what marketing worked. They confessed that they had spent lots of advertising $$$ on some books, only to have them die on the vine. Meanwhile, other books they didn’t spend marketing/advertising money on sold like crazy.
Their conclusion was: They had no idea how to market books, therefore, they decided not to waste any more time or money on it.
Obviously, I was not happy with this answer. Eventually, I would get the rights to the book back and publish it through Vintage City Publishing. Not a moment too soon because that former publisher ended up cutting a bunch of authors loose, cancelling contracts, and decided not to spend money on editing future releases. Plus, they started signing problematic (I guess is the right term) people to write nonfiction books for them. People I didn’t necessarily want to be lumped in with.
Anyway…
Before I left them, they asked me to write a blog for their website about why I chose to write a werewolf novel. This, by the way, was the only form of marketing they did à Me writing a blog post for their site.
The post is still up, apparently. You might find it interesting reading. Check it out here, until they take it down, or they close up shop permanently.
2 My parents were liars. The funny thing was, they didn’t necessarily lie about important stuff.
Sure, they’d tell a lie to us kids if it meant getting us to do something. Meaning, they’d lie to manipulate us into doing what they wanted us to do, rather than what we wanted. But they would also lie about seemingly stupid things.
Like…
Once, there was a commemorative coin I wanted, a comic book related thing that I saved up my money for. Had the money, the order form, and the envelope. Was just missing a stamp, which I knew my mom had plenty of at work. So, I asked her to take the envelope (and money, and order form) to work with her, put a stamp on it, and drop it in the mailbox.
First few days, I asked her if she did it. No, she kept forgetting. Finally, one day she says yes, she mailed it. Great!
The order form said six to eight weeks for delivery. I started calculating in my head, okay, six weeks from today, start watching the mail.
Six weeks go by. Nothing. But now I’m on high alert. Going to be soon. Sometime in the next two weeks, that coin is coming!
Seven weeks go by. Eight weeks. I’m checking the mail every day. Hopes up going to the mailbox. Disappointment. Then renewed hope that tomorrow… Tomorrow will be the day. Maybe.
The ninth week, my mother comes home from work and says, “Oh, I mailed that order for you.”
Wait… What? I’m confused.
I say, “You told me you mailed it over eight weeks ago. I’ve been checking the mail every day for it. You just mailed it? So, I’ve gotta wait another eight weeks?”
She acted surprised that I was so upset. And believe me, I was upset.
Part of it was the idea that the past nine weeks of waiting had been a complete waste. The other part was – because she lied.
Sure, I know why she lied. She lied because I kept bugging her about mailing it, and would have kept it up every day until she did. So, she decided the easiest way to get me to shut up was to lie.
Funny thing was, I remember lying to her about something a few years after this and her saying, “I hate lying!”
I responded, “But you lie, too!”
She did not like that response.
3) My father usually lied for reasons of manipulation. Like to get us to favor his second wife over my mother. Sometimes he lied for inexplicable reasons.
Once, when I was five or maybe six, we were sitting at a red light. It turned green. I asked,
“How does the light know when it’s time to turn green?”
He could have answered, “It’s on a timer.” I would have nodded my head.
He could have said, “There’s a sensor built into the road that sends a signal to the light.” Okay. Sure. I would have been satisfied with that.
Hell, he could have simply replied, “You know what? I have no idea.” And I would have thought, Huh. It’s a mystery, I guess.
He didn’t say any of those perfectly reasonable things. Instead, he said,
“There’s a guy watching from a window. When he sees a car pull up, he pushes a button to change the lights.”
Yeah, I believed it for probably a minute. I mean…
He didn’t say it with a grin on his face. He didn’t laugh when he said it. He just said it matter-of-fact, and we kept driving. Didn’t clarify or bring it up again. Didn’t go, “Nah, that’s not how it works.” He just left that as the answer.
I don’t know how long I believed it. Probably not more than a day. Probably less. At least a few more stoplights. But eventually, it sank in:
Wait. What about the redlights when there are no buildings around for someone to watch from? Is there someone hanging out in a tree and watching? Watching from a long telescope? Is there someone all over America watching every single stoplight?
It had to be impossible. Even 5-year-old (or maybe 6-year-old) me knew something like that was logically impossible.
Why did he tell me that? Because I guess sometimes the bastard just liked to lie.
4) What I’m watching:
Watched CLIFFORD with Martin Short and Charles Grodin. Hadn’t seen it in about 30 years, but I was reminded of the movie when clips of it showed up on my YouTube feed. Thought it would be fun to watch with my 12-year-old. It did not disappoint.
Martin Short, a 40-year-old man, playing a 10-year-old boy was inspired casting, and his comedic timing with Charles Grodin was flawless. It made me wonder why those two didn’t do more movies together. But then, I also wondered the same thing about Grodin and Robert DeNiro after seeing them in MIDNIGHT RUN. Sometimes two actors can pair up together so nicely, you think: I’d watch another movie with these two, either as the same characters or playing something else.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. Which maybe is what adds to the specialness of those two movies? I don’t know. Just spitballing here.
5) Also, what I’m watching:
Watched ANORA this past weekend. Or, as David Spade called it recently on his podcast: “A Snora.”
It’s not a bad movie. But I wouldn’t say it’s a particularly good one, either. The whole time I watched it, I was thinking,
How bad were the other movies last year that this one won the Academy Award for Best Picture?
Honestly, I almost gave up on the film during the first twenty minutes. But then, there’s a tonal shift and the movie became somewhat watchable. (Somewhat, is the key word.) There are some humorous moments and the introduction of one barely likable character.
Yes, that’s right: Almost all of the characters are unlikable and unsympathetic, which was my main problem with the movie. Hard to care what’s going to happen to any of them. I suppose that’s the main fault I can find with it.
ANORA is an updated version of PRETTY WOMAN, so much so, there’s a negotiation of money scene that’s (I guess) an homage. The main differences are that in this movie, the girl really is a prostitute (no question about it), the guy is an overgrown, spoiled child you are hoping gets his comeuppance, and the story ends the way you know it’s going to end.
Also, there are enough sex scenes and gratuitous nudity that I think the intimacy coordinator on the film must have worked 80-hour weeks during production.
That’s your Dispatch for the week.
Slade Grayson is a writer who relies on the kindness of strangers. And readers. And sometimes strange readers. You can buy his books here, or buy him a coffee here.