What the hell? Four weeks in a row? Must be some kind of blog record. Let’s keep it going.
Also, I think I’m owed some points for writing out “what the hell” rather than the modern day “WTH.” Yes, I’m the guy that writes out “by the way” instead of “BTW,” and “okay” instead of “OK” or “K.”
And you’ll never catch me texting “lol.” Never.
This week’s Dispatch:
1) I said in a previous post that I wasn’t a believer of badmouthing something someone else might be a fan of or love. Exceptions are if I’m tasked with the job of reviewing it for a publication (or site) and I’ve taken the oath of complete honesty.
Which reviewers should absolutely do.
Another exception is if I think the creators behind something are insulting the intelligence of their audience. You know what I mean.
There’s a meeting between the creative people involved, or maybe the meeting just takes place in the mind of one person, and the consensus is:
“They loved the last couple of things, so let’s just throw more of the same at them.” Or…
“Let’s throw some shit on a shingle, call it a gourmet meal, charge a lot for it, and the unwashed masses will eat it up.” Or…
“[…] was a massive hit. Let’s just change the names of the characters and change the location and this thing should be a big hit, too.”
Something like that.
I’m also not a fan of formula writing. Procedural television shows fall back on this, mainly because they have to. Example: If you’re watching a crime/mystery show with the same cast of characters every week, you know the perpetrator of that particular episode’s crime is going to make an appearance in the first twenty minutes of the show. Because if they go the whole episode only to reveal at the end that the perp was some unknown drifter, the audience will feel cheated.
“Hey, wait a minute. Where did THAT guy come from?”
As always, there are exceptions.
One show I caught on to the formula rather quickly was HOUSE. I watched most of the first season, and probably a handful of episodes here and there for the rest of the show’s run. Hugh Laurie was great in the role, of course, but early on, I got tired of:
“The patient’s entire left side is covered in blisters.”
House: “You’re all idiots. It’s Blergatine. Give them steroids.”
“Dr. House, the patient’s blisters have healed, but now they’re having hallucinations and numbness in their legs.”
House: “You’re all idiots. The patient has Zorpagen, which can first look like Blergatine. Steroids make it worse. Start them on chemo.”
“Dr. House, now the patient is in a coma.”
*stares at whiteboard; stares at comatose patient; notices teeny, tiny physical mark on patient
House: “You’re all idiots. It’s an allergy. Give them an antihistamine.”
*patient immediately recovers and tap dances out of the hospital
Then we miss the part where the patient is handed a bill for five hundred grand and declares bankruptcy.
Was there ever an episode where someone said, “Hold on there, Dr. Pillpopper. Maybe we should do more tests before jumping on your first conclusion, since, you know, your first two diagnoses are usually incorrect.”
2) Speaking of shows I stuck with briefly…
I think I saw the first episode of THE BLACKLIST. Meant to give it another try, but ultimately never did. I know it has a loyal fanbase, and there’s talk online of how great it was in the early seasons, but how it dropped off in quality later on, etc.
Some commenters say it never dropped off in quality. I don’t know. Don’t have the urge to commit myself to finding out.
But lately, clips of the show have been making their way into my YouTube feed, and I’ve already spotted one pattern to the show:
If someone has a gun pointed at the main character (Raymond Reddington), it’s probably a head of an international crime organization. Once they start gloating over how they’ve been looking forward to killing him, that’s when Reddington will reveal he’s had a mole inside the organization and is paying the mole to betray their boss at just the right moment (which is now, of course). Or Reddington has a trap already set to go off at this exact moment.
Essentially, the main character is never in any danger. That’s what I’ve ascertained from the shorts I’ve seen. Maybe there are exceptions, but as I said above, I don’t want to commit to watching the show to find out.
3) Years ago (2018 maybe?), I received a phone call that was intended for someone else. It was the classic wrong number scenario, but the person on the other end was clearly very stressed and talking too fast for me to interrupt. I did eventually interrupt, and that was the end of the call.
I immediately wrote down everything that was said, so the following is not me reconstructing it from memory, or adding bits years after the fact. This was the conversation verbatim:
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
“Hey, it’s Brad. Listen, I know this is short notice, but can you be in Annapolis tomorrow?”
Me: Um…
“Yeah, I know, I know. I hate to ask this of you, but maybe take Alexa with you. Is she there right now? Ask her if she can help out.”
Me: I-
“I need to get this shipment out. It’s really important, otherwise I wouldn’t ask. I’d only need you guys from like 8 until maybe 4, 4:30.”
Me: I don’t-
“I’m really sorry to put you guys on the spot like this. But the shipment is a major deal. Can you and Alexa be in Annapolis by 8 tomorrow?”
Me: Brad, I’m sorry to say you’ve called the wrong number.
“This isn’t Sam?”
Me: This is not Sam.
“…”
Me: But listen, I’m willing to help out-
*click*
Me: YOU CAN’T DO THIS SHIPMENT WITHOUT ME, BRAD!
Okay, couple of things…
Yes, I really yelled that last part out after he hung up on me. Not sure why, as I was alone and not performing for comedic effect. But sometimes I do things to make myself laugh. So maybe that was it.
Another thing…
I used to think scenes in movies and TV shows where someone receives a phone call meant for someone else, and then has trouble letting the person on the other end know that because the person is talking fast and talking over them, was unrealistic. Until it happened to me.
And finally…
Even though it’s been years, I still wonder sometimes if Sam and Alexa came through for him, and whether Brad got that shipment out on time.
I also wonder: What was in that damn shipment?
4) Three times in the past year, I’ve sampled books by three different authors, and they all have the same opening:
Lead character used to do something else, but is now working as a bouncer. The lead isn’t overly tall or wide, but they know how to handle themselves. Because they’re not monstrously huge, someone in the bar where they’re working decides to challenge them. The protagonist handles it, but sustains a minor injury (bruises). The protagonist decides to take a few days off, or decides to embark on a different job, which may or may not entail leaving town, and presumably moves on to encounter an antagonist who will also underestimate him.
I say “presumably” because this is usually where the sample I downloaded ends, and I have no desire to purchase the book and find out what happens. I know what happens because like everyone else of my generation, I’ve seen ROAD HOUSE. Apparently, there are a bunch of authors out there who were heavily influenced by that movie.
In crime fiction, it seems “bouncer” is the new “private eye.”
5) What I’m watching:
BLUE VALENTINE (2010) starring Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams.
Holy crap, this was a depressing movie. Sure, it’s well acted and well written, but much of it is tough to watch because of the realism and rawness. There are scenes in this movie that could have been trimmed to leave something to the viewers’ imagination…but aren’t.
Love a downbeat ending? Remember how you wanted to drive your car off a cliff after the ending of MILLION DOLLAR BABY? Okay, this movie doesn’t hit the same rock bottom of depression as that movie, but still… You feel like you got gut punched when the credits start to roll.
6) What I’m reading:
Finished up LET’S GO PLAY AT THE ADAMS’, and yep, that book ended the way I feared it would. It makes the ending of BLUE VALENTINE seem like a Disney movie.
After going through a couple of samples and not finding anything worth continuing with (see #4 above), I’m starting NOTES OF A DIRTY OLD MAN, a collection of essays by Charles Bukowski.
Bukowski is a writer I’ve always been curious about. I’ve read some of his poems here and there, and although I’m not someone who regularly reads poetry, I’ve found his work to be immensely interesting and entertaining. So, I’m hoping it continues through his nonfiction pieces, and maybe, in the future, I’ll sample some of his fiction. Maybe.
That’s your Dispatch for the week.
Slade Grayson is a writer who relies on the kindness of strangers. And readers. And sometimes strange readers. You can buy his books here, or buy him a coffee here.